Monday, August 12, 2013

Hostage Negotiations, or What It's Like to Talk to my Daughter.

My daughter is going to grow up to be a hostage negotiator for the FBI. How do I know this? Spend 5 minutes talking to her, and make sure that you ask her to do something - pick up her toys, go inside, wash her hands, etc. This is how the conversation will go:

"June, can you go wash your hands please?"
"Um, I can wash them after I play with my toys."
"I'd like you wash them now. You just went potty. You have potty germs on your hands."
"No? The potty germs decided to go away."
"I'm pretty sure that only soap and water will make them go away. Please go wash."
"I will just play with my babies, and then wash my hands."
"June, please go wash your hands - now."
"Alright, alright, I will....after I play with my babies."


This is how most of our conversations end up. If she can't negotiate her way out of something, she will sweet talk you.

"June, I don't like how you're talking to me right now. Please try again."
"I WANT to open the FRIDGE MOMMA"
"June, if you can't choose kind words, you'll have to go to your room and think about how to speak nicely."
She throws her head back in disgust and grunts.
*Suddenly she leans right into you and snuggles right up*
"I just love you, momma. You're such a sweet girl. You're my best girl."


She doesn't throw tantrums. She's shockingly calm and wordy for a 3-year-old. She'll just talk you up and down all day long until you're so confused/frustrated/loved up, you don't even remember what the problem was in the first place.

She also enjoys "If/then" statements. Maybe I've said too many of these, but for whatever reason, she has decided to start giving them back to me:

*Standing at the toilet before she goes potty*
"Momma, if you don't help me to button my pants, then I will pee on you. If you try to button my pants, and I don't let you, and you go out into the yard, then I will still pee on you. If you don't button your own pants, then I will pee on you." At this point, I was just dying trying not to burst out laughing.

*At night, before I put her in bed*
"Momma, if you wake up in the night, and get in my bed, then I will not spank you. But if I get up in the night, and knock on my door, and be loud, then I will spank you. If you can't whisper in the morning when everyone is sleeping, then I will give you one spank."

It sure is confusing. That's her trick, see? She ever so sweetly worms her way into your brain then melts you with backwards word power. Just like SuperWhy.

Brooke + JuneBug


  1. Hilarious! Makes me sad and happy that I don't have a girl at the same time... ;)